There's a whole lot to say for getting a bit older. You care less about the opinions others hold of us, and a whole lot more about the people important to you. It's kind of a strange season in which to be living: so happy and content with where you are in life, but from time to time you wish for that restart button so that you have the chance to go back and do it alllllll right from the very beginning.
But that's Life.
No restarts. No resets. No do-overs.
You live. You learn. You do better. And you hope like heck that's good enough.
One of our summer conversations launched into a discussion over how much we have all changed - him, me, Mom, Dad - over the past several years. For the two of us, we are further away from our prior younger selves who may or may not have felt the need to analyze, complain, and maybe even pick apart the people we love and - instead - we're much closer to the people we really want to be - accepting and loving children, spouses, siblings, parents, and friends, understanding that those whom we love are not perfect. Just as we're not.
What growing older {and hopefully wiser} teaches us is that the things that sometimes drive us crazy about our loved ones are often manifestations of their own pain and past. We all have those. Maybe our acceptance of those around us for everything they are mirrors the journey of our acceptance of our own weaknesses, our own pain and past, our own paths. And maybe when we accept both - ourselves and those we love for exactly what they are - flawed, coming up short every now and then - and for exactly who they are - our blood, bone, and flesh who love us in spite of ourselves at times...maybe then we create the perfect environment for growth and improvement, and for the greatest love stories.
Some people are very uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing anyone. They think that if you are kind, you'll never disappoint. If you try hard enough, if you manage your time well enough, if you are selfless enough, prayerful enough, godly enough, you'll never disappoint anyone. This type of thinking leads to one place: disappointment in yourself.
I know this because I was this person. On some days I am still this person. But something I know for sure is that along the way you will disappoint others. You won't meet their expectations. You won't meet their needs. The trick is becoming okay in these moments. Know that they are just that...moments. Tomorrow we get to wake up and try all over again.
Taking care of everyone in our busy lives is a J.O.B.
Am I right?
Yet we continue to try to do just that - take care of everyone! ALLLL the people. It's just not possible. We are human, mere skin and bones, with a heart that both loves and hurts, and a mind that constantly tries to reconcile the love and the hurt. Wanting it to all make sense, all of the time.
Again, this is Life. It's not like our check book or bank account. It doesn't always "reconcile." And it for dang sure doesn't always make sense.
If I think about the relationships in my life being like concentric circles (did I actually just use a MATH term? whaaaat???) with the inner circle consisting of our spouse, children, parent & sibs, and very closest friends. Then maybe the next circle is our extended family and good friends. Then the next one would be people we know, but not well or intimately, maybe coworkers or acquaintances; people we don't necessarily share our true self with. If I think about it all this way, my logic tells me that my aim should be to not disappoint those closest to me - those in that first circle. Yet all too often it's work and all of the extra duties and responsibilities we take on that we place the most value on. Not intentionally, never on purpose. But, usually, the "normal" person only disappoints because they are limited.
I can only give so much. Hours during the day are limited. Time is limited. On some days, my abilities and strengths are limited. My energy is limited. And yes - my patience as well.
I find myself disappointed with myself when I feel I don't bring my "A" game to the classroom, when I tell a student I'll write that letter of recommendation and then I forget. When I am scheduled for an ARD or a meeting and I don't remember it until the very last second and I rush in, out of breath, out of energy, and out of patience.
That's my reality.
My goal for this year is to attempt to bring my heart in more alignment with my logic. Save that energy for the people who deserve it the most. Pray for patience when its needed most, with those I love the most. Give my time and abilities and energy to the relationships that shape me, that raised me, that grew up with me, that love me and shelter me from the winds and storms of this life.
Does that mean I will care less about my job? About my other responsibilities? Duties? Sponsorships? Committees?
Not at all.
If it works the way it should - the way I truly believe God intends for it to work - I will have what I need to do what I need to do, when I need it done...if I'm faithful to those He has placed within my closest circle. Those that surround and fill my heart.
My prayer is that I can do this.
No comments:
Post a Comment