I am not a personification of my social media feed.

Let's talk social media, specifically Facebook and Instagram because they are the only two I can seem to keep my arms around. I confess, for a very long time I had a love-hate relationship with social media feeds. I was torn between wanting to share and also with feeling that posts had more to do with ego than actual sharing.

I finally realized that my feelings were spawned by others' views of media feeds. There seems to be two MAIN camps: those that poke holes at all positivity posts and those that feel some entire feeds are made up of negativity. There is a small segment of us in the middle - in the gray, if you will - that just enjoy viewing everyone's pictures of their families and pets and vacations, and tend to just overlook the more negative posts or the folks who are forever sick or being hurt or feel ignored by others.

While I hope people are "following" us - meaning the B&B - I can honestly say I have no idea how many followers we have on Insta OR Facebook. On the other hand, I spend several hours of research a week on how to use social media to promote our business. The reality is that social media is THE way to advertise today...and it's FREE!! We'd be nuts to NOT utilize this resource that will only continue to change and deepen and grow as the years go by.

Some days, I feel like the more I learn, the more I don't know. I finally switched my personal Insta to primarily business; meaning, I changed it from MY personal name to Wildernest Bed & Breakfast. Yes, I'll still post pics of the grands, the doggies, the food...but those things are WHO we are, so it makes sense to me that our potential guests would like to see what we view as important.

We spend ENORMOUS amounts of hours on our front porch, so front porch pics are important to me. Pictures of our cabins, the food we serve, and views of the property are paramount to - not only promoting our business - but also giving small glimpses into who we are as business owners. We're family people, first and foremost, so there will always, always, ALWAYS be crazy amounts of pictures and stories of our grands, our kiddos, and our pets.

The one area that I question the most is: am I being real? Authentic?

Because THIS I can promise you. For every delicious food picture I post, there are at least THREE that are HORRIBLE! My sweet husband is very vocal and descriptive during our meals together. When it's good, there is NO doubt. His vocabulary and adjectives (some appropriate and some not so much:) leave no doubt that it's a dish worth repeating. But when he is silent; eating but with no commentary, I know it's bad. Very, very bad, usually! Ha!

For every "positivity" post, I promise I could post three things that AREN'T going well in life. Sometimes I think our family could have their own reality show. We have SO. MUCH. GOING. ON. right now! Most good, but some sad, some scary, some uncertain...So, sure, I make the decision each and every day what I want to share with others. The truth is that I WANT to be a voice of positivity. I WANT to point others to what gets me through: JESUS.

At the same time, even though I don't post about it on a regular basis, we have our own set of difficulties that we deal with on the daily. We've given up a regular, dependable salary to take a chance on "us" and this dream of a B&B. We celebrate with our kids who have kids and who are expecting another! (Hopefully we'll have a gender reveal later this week!!!) We also have kids who are going through infertility treatments, including surgery, medications, injections...We celebrate and we console, and many times both on the same day. We have parents with new medical issues, and our place in the "sandwich" of the family is that of the meat that holds both ends together. That's just where we are.

I could post all this, and I would never, ever discourage others from posting whatever they like. For me, I encourage myself with prayer, positivity quotes, and focusing on the good things in life. This naturally segues into my social media posts. It does as much, if not MORE, good for me than it could ever do for others.

Maybe most importantly of all is the growing of our family business - the B&B. We want that to be "the face" of our social media posts. We share certain pictures of family, pets, the grounds, the cabins, etc. because we want our potential guests to have a sense of who we are and what we value. We are two normal people: a couple who are deeply in forever love, who have grown children who are growing their own families, who have parents who are facing new challenges in life, who have meals that flop, ideas that fail, who laugh, cry, hurt, and rejoice.

We are normal.

We are not the personification of our social media feed.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

I've been thinking about love relationships a lot lately. A lot of the reason why, I'm sure, is because of my own love. My marriage to my guy. I think about what our love looked like back in the beginning, the way it looked in the middle of raising teenagers, how it looked as we embraced an empty nest, and - especially - the way it looks today.

In every stage we've loved. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Around the time we married the band Savage Garden came out with the song by this name. For a long while, it was our song; so reflective of the acknowledgment of both our pasts, and appreciation of having found one another. I looked the original music video up a few days ago and let my mind review the past twenty years.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

As a teacher of high school, sometimes I am so saddened by what this age bracket views as 'love.' I guess when I was their age my friends and I weren't much different. Love is beautiful in all its stages: the wildly exhilarating beginning, the team-building middle years, the ups and downs, highs and lows, the sick times and the healthy ones.

Love, though, isn't always about romance. And it's not confined to intimate relationships.

We all receive and give love in so many different ways to so many different people in our lives. And I think we can all agree we all need love. It's absolutely necessary to having a happy life. We need our significant other, yes, but we also need friends. Family. Our kiddos. Our grands. I certainly would never call myself an expert on love, but being one half of a healthy, flourishing marriage has helped me to realize a few major point over the years. 

First, you have to love yourself.

We all come from different backgrounds. Some of us grew up in a loving and encouraging family, and some of us didn't. We've probably all had some kind of relationship in our lives that has left us feeling hurt. You can't control your outside circumstances. I wish we could. What you can control is your own choices. It can be hard to love when you feel broken. If you don't come to any relationship (romantic, friendship, family) whole, you end up (1) asking others to fill in the broken pieces or (2) shutting them out completely. You first have to love yourself. Someone very wise once pointed out to me that God instructs us to "love others as ourselves." Way too often, if we're honest, we'd love others in a totally lousy way if we truly abided by this scripture. And yet, it's what we should do. Then, and only then, can any of us offer relationships our strengths rather than looking to them to fix our weaknesses. We all have the power to make this decision no matter what hand life has dealt us.

Be someone you would love.

It is always easier to blame others. Always. Always, always, always - no matter your age or your stature in life. What's hard is looking inward to ourselves and realizing that maybe it's us who needs to change. Before you have amazing relationships you have to be someone you would love. Be the mother you would want. Be the friend you want. Be the spouse you want. This is a lifelong process the important people in your life will help you with if you are open to it. Stop focusing on others' shortcomings so much and instead work on yourself.

 Love deeply.

Don't hold back. Don't hold grudges. Go all in. We've probably all been hurt before, and I'm not saying we should ignore those situations. We need to learn from the unhealthy ones and seek to avoid repeat mistakes. But. Don't let past hurts prevent you from making new relationships or falling in love. This almost happened to me. I was hurt and felt justified in my unwillingness to forgive even though my circumstances had changed. And this attitude nearly prevented me from being ready for my future husband...my now husband. My partner, my love, my guy. Don't be afraid to love deeply.  Be open. Be brave.

4. Choose your important relationships.

I truly believe that we should love everyone. An attitude of love to your fellow citizens is a great way to live your life. Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone did this? However, this does not mean that you should open yourself up to being hurt over and over again. Choose the people who you cultivate important relationships with. If someone has continually been a negative influence in your life, or doesn't treat you the way you deserve, then they should not receive the privilege of being one of your close relationships. Focus on the positive influences in your life. Love them deeply (see point 3).You don't need to be anyone's second choice.

5. Love is work.

Every important relationship in your life requires attention in order for it to grow. I am so guilty of being that friend who doesn't call back. It is SO easy to get busy with your life, with work or school or whatever you are passionate about and not focus on cultivating the love in your life. I should get dinner with my parents more often. I should get coffee with friends more. I should plan more dates away from the B&B with Mike. If you neglect any relationship it will decline over time. I've had many friends over the years that I've sort of drifted apart from simply because I didn't make time for them. Being a giving and loving person takes a lot of intentional effort. And that's something that I'm working on this year.

But good people are worth the time. All the time. Every time. 

#ThisCouldGetWilder

Our Wedding Day

Mike and I have often joke that we're not real sure just how we ended up married; he never "asked," therefore I never said "yes" - and yet here we are...an old married couple now of almost twenty years.

We were never your ordinary couple, if there is even such a thing. With a substantial age difference between us, and me a young, single mom of two tween boys and he with a daughter in college, neither of us really expected to end up married.

(Mainly because he told me he would never marry again:)

Yet in spite of all the obvious obstacles and definitely in spite of our naysayers, there was an undeniable meeting of two hearts that needed one another. He traveled a lot for work and I was busy with a full-time job as well as mothering full-time, and we didn't see a whole lot of one another. In fact, we probably date more now than we ever did during our courtship.

But we wrote letters. So. Many. Letters. We still have them - hundreds - tucked away in a private spot. Every so often one of us will pull them out and we'll sit in our bed and take turns choosing one at random and read it out loud to the other. That was our courtship; through words spoken from the heart we came to know the true essence of the other. There was no holding back. Again, we didn't expect to marry; instead, we thought we had found a safe place to pour out our hurts from the past, our dreams for the future, our hopes for our respective children, and - yes - what we were going to do about this growing need we each felt to be with the other.

I'll not go into how we got from there to our wedding day; it's sacred and completely, totally a God-thing. But I still stand by the fact that there was no proposal; there was nothing uber romantic about how we arrived to our special day. However, the road there - and since - has been paved with more romance than some experience in their entire life.

I've never given any thought whatsoever to renewing our vows. Yet, as we draw closer to our 20th anniversary, we've talked a bit about it. Not because we feel the need to recite vows or declare our love and commitment; we both know more than ever that our love was destined. We are meant to BE.

But the road from being a "blended" family to a FAMILY has been one that's not always been easy. The easy part is falling in love, caring for each other's kids enough to open your heart and life to them, and seeing it all play out perfectly in your mind.

The harsher reality is that you're dealing with sensitive little hearts that don't fully understand what is happening and you're trying to find words to explain to your almost grown daughter why - after all this time - you've decided to not only marry, but to take on the care and raising of two young boys.

Again, I'll save all of our experiences and the ups and downs and ins and outs of our journey to unity for the five of us. What is the most important thing is that no one gave up; we allowed everyone to move at their own pace. The boys received a bonus dad that they lovingly refer to as Pops now; I received not what I would call a step-daughter - though that is what she is - but one of my closest and best friends.

This all took time, but time took care of all of our hearts.

Somewhere along the way, we melded and became one big, happy family. Then the boys were grown and marrying, and we then had three amazing children-in-law, as well as three phenomenal children. Now we have three grands that light our world in ways we never knew was possible.

What deserves to be celebrated and rejoiced over is that. Our kids. Our grands. Our family.

Two weeks ago, we were driving down the road and suddenly Mike pulls over to the side and puts the truck in park. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring, takes my hand with his free one, looks me straight in the eye and says,

"Mrs. Wilder, would you do me the honor of marrying me again?"

He asked, y'all!

I said YES.

Next December, when we have our family all together to celebrate Christmas, we'll stand with our kids and grands and renew our vows. Not just to each other, but to all nine of them. If they wish (and I hope they do!) we want them to say what they would like. If the grands want to speak, we welcome it! (We feel quite certain that 5 year old George will have something entertaining to offer up:)

Back then - on our wedding day - we became a family in name, but these days, we are a family in heart.

Watching our grown children interact with each other, share in big group text conversations, laugh and joke together is the single most favorite sight and sound we love the most in this whole entire world. All 11 of us aren't together too often due to living in various parts of Texas; but when we are, it's heaven on earth for Pops and I.

I love who we are together, not just Mike and I, but all eleven of us. I treasure the road that led us here, I embrace the moments that were difficult, and often rocky or even scary. Each experience, each year, each milestone built our family's foundation.

And it's a firm one.

One that will stand the test of time.

So in December we will renew our vows, and we'll look into one another's eyes, but then we'll turn and look at our kids and grands that stand there with us and - more than anything - we'll just give thanks for the blessing that came with an unexpected love, an anything-but-ordinary courtship, and the five hearts that blended together in love.

Heart matters.

My brother and I spent quite a lot of time together this past summer. We probably had some of the best conversations of our adult lives. I guess the fact that I'm 50 and he has since turned 46 might make that seem kind of sad; I say, better late than never!

There's a whole lot to say for getting a bit older. You care less about the opinions others hold of us, and a whole lot more about the people important to you. It's kind of a strange season in which to be living: so happy and content with where you are in life, but from time to time you wish for that restart button so that you have the chance to go back and do it alllllll right from the very beginning.

But that's Life. 

No restarts. No resets. No do-overs.

You live. You learn. You do better. And you hope like heck that's good enough.

One of our summer conversations launched into a discussion over how much we have all changed - him, me, Mom, Dad - over the past several years. For the two of us, we are further away from our prior younger selves who may or may not have felt the need to analyze, complain, and maybe even pick apart the people we love and - instead - we're much closer to the people we really want to be - accepting and loving children, spouses, siblings, parents, and friends, understanding that those whom we love are not perfect. Just as we're not.

What growing older {and hopefully wiser} teaches us is that the things that sometimes drive us crazy about our loved ones are often manifestations of their own pain and past. We all have those. Maybe our acceptance of those around us for everything they are mirrors the journey of our acceptance of our own weaknesses, our own pain and past, our own paths. And maybe when we accept both - ourselves and those we love for exactly what they are - flawed, coming up short every now and then - and for exactly who they are - our blood, bone, and flesh who love us in spite of ourselves at times...maybe then we create the perfect environment for growth and improvement, and for the greatest love stories.

Some people are very uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing anyone. They think that if you are kind, you'll never disappoint. If you try hard enough, if you manage your time well enough, if you are selfless enough, prayerful enough, godly enough, you'll never disappoint anyone. This type of thinking leads to one place: disappointment in yourself.

I know this because I was this person. On some days I am still this person. But something I know for sure is that along the way you will disappoint others. You won't meet their expectations. You won't meet their needs. The trick is becoming okay in these moments. Know that they are just that...moments. Tomorrow we get to wake up and try all over again. 

Taking care of everyone in our busy lives is a J.O.B.

Am I right? 

Yet we continue to try to do just that - take care of everyone! ALLLL the people. It's just not possible. We are human, mere skin and bones, with a heart that both loves and hurts, and a mind that constantly tries to reconcile the love and the hurt. Wanting it to all make sense, all of the time. 

Again, this is Life. It's not like our check book or bank account. It doesn't always "reconcile." And it for dang sure doesn't always make sense. 

If I think about the relationships in my life being like concentric circles (did I actually just use a MATH term? whaaaat???) with the inner circle consisting of our spouse, children, parent & sibs, and very closest friends. Then maybe the next circle is our extended family and good friends. Then the next one would be people we know, but not well or intimately, maybe coworkers or acquaintances; people we don't necessarily share our true self with. If I think about it all this way, my logic tells me that my aim should be to not disappoint those closest to me - those in that first circle. Yet all too often it's work and all of the extra duties and responsibilities we take on that we place the most value on. Not intentionally, never on purpose. But, usually, the "normal" person only disappoints because they are limited. 

I can only give so much. Hours during the day are limited. Time is limited. On some days, my abilities and strengths are limited. My energy is limited. And yes - my patience as well. 

I find myself disappointed with myself when I feel I don't bring my "A" game to the classroom, when I tell a student I'll write that letter of recommendation and then I forget. When I am scheduled for an ARD or a meeting and I don't remember it until the very last second and I rush in, out of breath, out of energy, and out of patience. 

That's my reality.

My goal for this year is to attempt to bring my heart in more alignment with my logic. Save that energy for the people who deserve it the most. Pray for patience when its needed most, with those I love the most. Give my time and abilities and energy to the relationships that shape me, that raised me, that grew up with me, that love me and shelter me from the winds and storms of this life. 

Does that mean I will care less about my job? About my other responsibilities? Duties? Sponsorships? Committees? 

Not at all.

If it works the way it should - the way I truly believe God intends for it to work - I will have what I need to do what I need to do, when I need it done...if I'm faithful to those He has placed within my closest circle. Those that surround and fill my heart. 

My prayer is that I can do this. 

Let them eat cake.

"It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself."

---Joyce Maynard

Cake is usually symbolic of a celebratory time.

It is almost always the foundation of a birthday party, an anniversary celebration, and the decadent addition of a dinner for the record books.

But for me, and for my boys, cake is symbolic of something entirely different. A time of struggle. Of pain. Of loss.

Maybe that’s why I always request cherry pie when my mom asks each year what kind of cake I’d like for my birthday.

And maybe that is precisely why each of my boys enjoy pie over cake.

Just the thought of that makes my heart hurt.

Many years ago - in what I now refer to as my "other life," - when the boys were very young and times were very tough, there were days, and sometimes many days, when there was no food left in the pantry. I learned to scrimp and save and improvise but it seemed like each month – without fail – there would be a series of days when we had next to nothing.

Except…cake mixes.

My grandmother was the queen of coupon clipping. And if you’ve ever clipped coupons you know that cake coupons are a dime a dozen. So each time she and my grandfather would make the drive from East Texas to my place, she would always bring me a sack full of cake and cornbread mixes.

What is almost (but not quite) humorous today, was not at all funny back then. There were many mornings when I’d open the pantry door, looking for something of sustenance for my two young sons, and only an endless row of cake mixes and cornbread batter mixes lined the shelves.

I did what any mother in that situation would do. I scrounged up the eggs and made the batter. I wish I could say that we have sweet memories of those times of eating plain yellow cake for breakfast and for lunch. But the truth is that those memories are more of the bittersweet quality.

Bitter because I am painfully aware that my kids share these memories with me.

But still sweet, because I can look back now and see just how blessed our lives have become since those days.

So it is with such mixed emotion that, all these years later, I've found myself saying about our children - our blended family, let them eat cake. I could never, ever voice this aloud because, quite frankly, I fear no one would understand. This all began to come to me a few days ago as I worked out.

Instead of the usual music in my ear, I used this time for prayer, feeling a special need to lay my heart bare before God. It was one of those moments that come to a mom when she has relinquished all physical control, and yet the mothering "urge" is stronger than ever. I concentrated on lunges, squats, and planks, but in my heart I was crying. “Oh, God. Please let our children experience the same relationship with you that we've found. Be real to them. Very real.”

There was but a moment of silence, both around me and inside me, before His still, small voice spoke to me. Stopped me in my tracks. “Remember what it took to bring you to this place with me?” His voice ushered me back to those stark years, to that one moment when I had no place to turn but to my knees. “Are you sure you’re ready for them to experience that?”

I grew so still inside my soul. I didn’t know how to answer that question. Still don't. I'm fairly certain that I don't WANT to answer that question. Never, ever, ever do I want my children to have to endure the heartache and the pain that I did at their ages, and just beyond. I want to pave the way for them, make life as easy to navigate as possible.

But I also want them to become great men of God.

Men that instinctively know that true strength is found in weakness and that their weaknesses are merely open invitations for God to come in and perform the mighty in their lives.

But the truth is that you can’t teach that to your children.

You can model it.

You can explain it.

You can pray for it.

But, in the end, it is up to them to seek this path for themselves.

And now, as our children are having (and raising) their own children, and the last few strands of my apron strings have been ripped from my waist, I find my heart both bleeding and rejoicing. 

I ache because that's what a Mom does - she feels for that child, long after they are grown and out of her home, and her prayer is that they will learn – much as she did – that God is indeed the sanctuary. 

But...also rejoicing because she trusts their journeys will be as rewarding and as fruitful as hers has been.

Let them eat cake.