Thoughts.

“Why wouldn’t I pray?” 

This may seem like a rhetorical question and it probably is.

But really… what is it that keeps us from not praying ALWAYS, and ALL THE TIME, for EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE! Why wouldn’t I pray before everything that I do? 

Why wouldn’t I pray before my waking, before my sleeping, before my talking, before my eating, before my reading, before my writing, before sending a text message, before my driving, before my teaching, before everything? Then I could KNOW that the Lord has gone before me in all things, and trust that He is working in ways that I may never fully know or see. There really is no reason NOT to.

But then also, why wouldn’t I pray after everything? Why wouldn’t I thank God for every single blessing that he has given me, on top of His gift of grace? “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” This quote never ceases to make an impression on me every time I hear it. I want to take it on as an awesome and convicting reminder to send letters to Jesus of my thankfulness for everything he has so mercifully given me.

Lord, I pray that your spirit would intercede for me when I do not know what to pray for (Romans 8:26), but that I would simply be faithful to pray (Romans 12:12). I want to pray for the first person who comes to my mind in the morning, I want to pray for whoever is on my heart as I go to sleep, I want to pray for whoever I am talking to (even while I am talking to them!), I want to pray with whoever I share a meal with, I want to pray for the car in front of me on the road and the person at the cross walk, I want to pray for the students who sit in my classroom, the coworkers that I chat with in the hallways, and the guests who occupy our cabins.

I want my heart to be ALWAYS willing to pray MORE.

What if the true test of our love for someone is the way we pray for them?  

Seems obvious that we would pray for the people that we love, but I think as the Lord has grown my love for Him, He has grown my love for His people, and so the people that I long to pray for is rapidly multiplying. Sometimes my heart is overwhelmed by the amount of people that I desire to pray for, but I know that I am always capable of loving more and praying faithfully, as long as I rely on His love which fills me and fuels me with “immeasurably MORE than I could ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3:20)

Grace.

Up until a few years ago, I would have my new "word of the year" all picked out by New Year's Eve. Ready to roll right into it when the clock struck midnight, signaling yet another fresh year - a blank slate, if you will - to do more, be better, see the good, and grow as a result.

Too often, my word turned out to be not much more effective than my New Year's resolutions. For a while, it stayed on my mind and, for a while, I diligently pursued the goal.

Then Life would intervene and I would go off-road, but with every intention to swing back onto course just as soon as everything leveled out. The funny thing about Life though is that our idea of "leveling" isn't always how it happens. In fact, almost never.

At some point there came a NYE when I didn't have a word picked out. I found that this "unplanned" year was not all that different in nature from the ones where I had meticulously plotted how my word would aid my journey from January through December; how I was practically destined to accomplish all the goals I set my mind too simply because I had the mind set to do so. Yet, (there's that word again:) as the days turned into weeks, and then the weeks into months - with still no word - I realized the power must not lie there because I still experienced the very same ebb and flow of Life that I always had.

Plenty of "ups," complete with achievements, meeting goals, and getting that one overlooked closet cleaned out, and then followed by a fair amount of sub-par performances, LOTS of dropped balls, and a closet once again in need of a cleaning after one futile attempt to locate a missing sweater.

So when the word "grace" began to play around in my mind this past summer, I didn't recognize it for what it was for the longest. I don't know if you are like me or not, but I tend to talk to myself; no, not necessarily out loud (although that HAS happened:) but definitely in my head. I found the stresses of this past summer were really working on me, and not in a good way.

Frustration, bitterness, disappointment - anger even, were just a few of the emotions that fought for top billing in my heart. My soul - usually so easily inspired and uplifted - felt bogged with the weight of the circumstances surrounding me. While the issues weren't directly related TO me or mine, they WERE very close. Too close to ignore. Too close to pretend they weren't happening.

I caught myself more than once saying, "Grant them grace." Even though it was a mere thought, it was a reminder for me to take a minute, breathe deeply, and allow the people around me to make mistakes without judgement. To realize that everybody is doing the very best they can, and that sometimes even the "best" just isn't going to be enough. Blame isn't going to do anyone any good. Yet Grace allows for a break, for a realization that - though NOW this person or this situation isn't as it should be - who is to say that they (or it) will not rise to the occasion tomorrow, or next week, or even next year or the years to come?

In late July, after this had been going on for quite a few weeks, I made the decision to leave the English classroom, and come back closer to home, to where I am needed most. The coincidence of being invited to teach culinary within my old district was a surprise and something that could only be a "God-thing." To combine what Mike and I do on the daily - hospitality - with my passion (teaching) seemed almost too good to be true. While I knew there would be a learning curve, I have to admit that I approached the new school year full of confidence and very few fears or trepidations.

The first week went swimmingly.

Then began The Learning Curve, SO much steeper and hillier than I had ever imagined. Transitioning my "home cook" experience into that of a chef trainer in an industrial kitchen, learning the ins and outs (re: do's and don't's) of PO's, activity funds, and requisitions, planning menus for board meetings, alumni luncheons, and football games, all the while teaching four classes I had never taught before turned out to be more than my so-called confidence was prepared for!

Last weekend, as I was driving alone, I mulled it all over in my head. Realistic Staci began to lecture Perfectionist Staci and - in the course of their conversation - I heard myself say out loud, "Give yourself some grace."

Give yourself some grace.

There was that five-letter word again. G-R-A-C-E. So simple, yet so very full of meaning. Life-changing, really. It was time for me to take a minute, breathe deeply, and allow myself to make mistakes without judgement. To realize that I am doing the very best that I can and that, even so, on some days my best just won't be quite enough.

And that is okay.

Fast forward to yesterday's staff meeting, where our amazing principal held up a piece of paper with a single word written on it. "Take some time and think about what YOUR word for this year will be." He challenged us to join the student body, who are all doing this as well, and put our word down on paper, decorate it, and let it join all the others on the cafeteria wall.

I didn't have to think about it.

I knew my word instantly.

It wasn't my word at New Year's.

Instead, just like Life and just like God, the giver of this Life, it raised its voice and spoke truth to me at just the right time.

Grace.

"Life is measured in love and positive contributions and moments of grace." - Carly Fiorina

Courage for the middle places.

Sometimes Faith's ugly sister, Fear, appears and threatens to take over the scene. While I would never exaggerate my visibility or recognition, I still find myself afraid to be more fully seen. Which - if it weren't so dead gum scary - it would almost be funny. I teach high schoolers - who can see right through you most days, I run a business that thrives on hospitality {the B&B} and love {the wedding venue}, and I'm trying to grow a little boutique that requires I put my face and my name "out there."

The possibilities of failure, rejection, etc. get poured into this fear-cocktail. And while I can honestly say I originally hit these challenges with courage head on, as the battles in other areas of my life persist, I’ve become bone-weary in the fight.

What I've discovered lately is that it's not my own issues that have hijacked my life; it's that I've allowed the needs and hurts of others to rob me of my confidence. I've shouldered more than I was meant to; taken on the burdens of others when they were never mine to bear.

As is the case with much in life, problems don’t disappear overnight. More often than not, we don’t get over them. We move through them.  The lyrics of one of my favorite songs right now say, 

"Escape is a waste of time; ain't no use in hiding - 

you know the best way over is through. 

So if it matters, let it matter.

If your heart 's aching let it ache.

Catch those pieces as they scatter;

know your hurt is not in vain."

And in this middle place of working through something—in the space between moving courageously and waiting for something to change—you can lose your gumption. Hope gets buried beneath 50 layers of defeated thinking, and you’re sure you’re making all the wrong moves.

I’ve been there, and as I read through Exodus 14, I see Moses and the Israelites have been there too. In this passage of Scripture, Pharaoh had just freed them from captivity, and the Lord then leads Moses and His people onward and away from Egypt. But sometime shortly thereafter, Pharaoh changed his mind and goes after God’s people. As the Israelites camped near the Red Sea, all of Pharaoh’s army barreled down on them. When the Israelites saw them approaching, they were full of fear and began questioning every move that brought them there. Moses spoke up and said,

“Fear not, stand firm…The Lord will fight for you.” Exodus 14:13-14

The waters of the Red Sea were zipped up so that the Israelites could cross. Once they reached the other side unharmed, He brought the waters back together again over the entire Egyptian army.

The Israelites were scared, yes, but they leaned into that promise: The Lord will fight for you.

And they moved forward.

So I do what I know to do. Keep on keepin’ on. You’ve got this.

The power of YET.

The last 3 months...twelve weeks...84 days...

...have been some of the most challenging, frustrating, creative, joyful, disappointing, humbling months, weeks, days EVER. How so many emotions can vie for first place at the same exact time within the human heart is almost inexplicable.

And yet...here is where I have been.

The pieces of what I’m trying to force together sit in a hazy distance or under layers of cobwebs. I can’t get close enough to make out the picture it’s supposed to be, or I can’t excavate the tender parts that pull it all together. I want to, but I can’t.

On the other hand, every so often - even if only fleeting - the fog lifts and I’m able to see how the pieces fit together. Or how I want them to fit. I see the vision, and I do the work to make what wants to be become what is.

These last several months I’ve had so much vision and so much interest to work on brand new things. Yet my heart and talents have been so needed elsewhere. So instead I collected tidbits here and there, penciling them into the margins of my schedule and life. But in several barely-there whispers, God began to imprint on my heart that now was not the right time to do anything else with it.

Yet.

Someone advised: “Ya know, sometimes the Lord simply suggests things rather than tells you you should or shouldn’t do it.”

Yes. That was it exactly. I could see and feel how the Lord suggested I set other things that I deemed important in the moment aside for the time being. 

I was sad, disappointed and if I’m being honest, downright scared about that. I mean, what if these things ended up leaving me altogether? I'm fifty now, for crying out loud. What if I lose the energy for what it is I want? What if I run out of time and I don't complete every dream, every vision I can so clearly see today? What if? What if? What if?

When I knew beyond a doubt that waiting was what I needed to do, I cried my eyes out. Waiting is so hard. 

This time was by far the hardest. After all, with all of the challenges and changes, surprises and shocks that my home and family had been hit with in the past months, this spark of inspiration wasn't content to lay low or dormant. It had taken root on the inside of me, and I was ready  - desperate - to produce it on the outside. I had time and motivation to work on it as well as the passion and inspiration.

Yet I wasn’t supposed to.

Sometimes I assume the season of today is the season of forever. When this happens, urgency and panic want to be my companions. The best thing I can do is realize that my right now no is likely not a forever no but a temporary not yet.

It's frustrating when you can’t make what you want to be become what is, especially it makes you feel good when all else around you seems to be crumbling. But even as I think about what it is I want to create or do, God is most concerned about the heart of one He created: Me. 

You.

Glorious, capable you. If like me you sense this undeniable nudge to wait on something, have courage. Have courage to move through this season with a relaxed sense of anticipation for what God’s doing in you and through you. 

Today's not yet just means He's still doing a work. When the time comes, it will be bigger, better, sweeter, and more joyous because it was done in His time. Embrace it.

Embrace the not yets in your life.

More stirred, less shaken.

Since May, our family has experienced one change after another. Some have been good ones and right on schedule - a celebratory part of our family's story. Others have been completely unexpected - unwanted.

 Both types have shaken and stirred this season like a fast-moving storm to the sea, and - more than once - I've felt sea-sick and felt myself hanging over the proverbial rail of the ship.

You get it; you've been here. You know what I mean.

You get one challenge sent your way, and you’re holding on just fine. But then another smacks right into you, and you stumble a bit, but regain your footing. Then the next wave hits and you see a few around you go down; it’s just too much. 

It could be any number of things. 

The sudden loss and the diagnosis out of nowhere. The discovered secret and the news from the past. The breakdown of a relationship and the breakdown of ALL of the appliances. The letter of rejection and the awareness of public scrutiny. 

In the blink of an eye, it can become all too much for this day, this week, this season. So, when you need to do that productive thing — because other areas of life are moving parts you can't control — you find yourself in a whirl, trying desperately to accomplish. To be productive. To improve. To make a difference. Something. Anything, to try to restore the equilibrium to your heart, your brain, your life...

A while back, I came across these verses of Scripture, and today they are speaking straight to the bruised and broken parts of my soul:

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had.John 5:2-4 (NKJV)

It’s fascinating that the waters had to be stirred up for someone to be healed within them. Not only that, but those who entered into the stirred-up waters only did so because they had faith the healing would come.

Sometimes change is very much that which stirs up the waters, isn’t it? The question becomes less "Why are things falling apart?" and more "Do I have faith to believe that even though the waters of my life are disturbed that healing can take place?" 

More importantly, am I willing to step directly into those troubled waters, or will I prolong the struggle by shying away from them?

Life-stirring changes. 

Life-giving waters.

Everything I need to know about life, I can learn from my hens.

• Communication is the key to a healthy relationship

Chickens really are the great communicators. As someone who is  married, in a career, and very involved with family and friends, I know that communication is key to any good relationship. Chickens know this, too, and they have a very sophisticated  - yet simple - communication system. Who knew they had so many different "calls?" They encourage one another, scold one another, and warn one another - it all depends on the situation they are facing. Looks like calling someone a “chicken” actually means they are pretty brave!

•  Relax and enjoy the sunshine

Just like many of us, chickens love to soak up the sunshine. Our hens will dig little holes in the dirt and flick dirt up onto themselves in a dust bath. Dust baths and sunbathing actually have many health benefits for chickens: the dust baths prevent parasites and the sunbathing is thought to stimulate hens’ metabolisms, along with providing other health benefits. After observing this in my chickens, I feel much less guilt when I indulge in back deck time! It's healthy, and those few moments - however brief - can go a long way in rejuvenating a weary soul.

• Surround yourself with only good people

In spite of what a lot of people think, chickens do like people. Certain people. People who treat them with kindness. People who talk to them. People who bring them food. Sound familiar? They will flock with great excitement to the gate of their yard when they see us. They know the routine. We are dependable. We have a routine. We show up. It's a constant reminder to me to show up for the folks in my life, whether they be my love, my family, my students, or friends. Show up. Be present. Be dependable.

• Be loud and proud about your achievements

Kids love to announce their accomplishments. I typed in 'brag' at first but brag tends to have a negative connotation these days and what kids do is anything but negative. They are proud of the award they won, they are excited about the good grade they worked so hard for and didn't expect, they are delighted when they learn a new skill. And they should be.

But somewhere along the line on the way to being mature, responsible adults we begin to downplay our accomplishments instead of sing them. It's like we've been taught that it's not proper or in good manners to talk about ourselves. 

Have you ever been around a hen during and after she's laid an egg? Let me tell you, it's a par-tay! That doesn't mean that the other hens stop whatever it is they are doing and join her celebration. Instead she spends a few minutes rejoicing and then she goes back to her life and to her co-existence with the others in her flock. Lesson learned. It's okay to take a moment and bask in those hard-earned accomplishments. But don't set up camp there. Take it in and then move on to the next thing. 

• Come home to roost.

Chickens like adventure. They like to peck, wander, and explore. They like to leave their yard and mosey into the neighboring wooded area, foraging as they go. Very rarely do they wander alone; the are really good at the buddy system. But no matter where they are, they come home for the important things. They go to their nesting box to lay and they come home to their coop at night. 

It's a family thing and a safety thing, two of which we can learn from. Family is where it is, and - at the heart of family - is your safe place. It's where people love you even when they don't like you in the moment, it's the spot where you're built up after being torn down during your day, and it's the sanctuary of your heart. It's where you lay down your worries, cares, disappointments, as well as display your triumphs, your dreams, and your wins. 

"She closes her eyes, through her hero's demise. Holds on to her hope beyond the sky. 

She take a breath, weight comes off her chest. She finds a way to weather through the storm.

She cries out, "Home! I need me some home. Oh, I need me some home.""

Do two negatives REALLY make a positive?

I saw today where someone posted "If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a positive?" In math and science, this may be true, but - when it comes to people - I can promise you only one thing:

If you put two negative people together for any length of time, I am POSITIVE the outcome will be negative!

We know that snap judgments are bad for the world at large, but people rarely discuss how destructive being judgmental is for the person who is doing it. Women are the WORST at this! No joke, being judgmental of other women causes us to live in hateful chaos, and we have to consciously rise above it if we ever hope to live peacefully in our bodies.

Just to be clear: I don’t think you should judge anyone. But women tend to judge other women the harshest, and our bodies, outfits, and appearances get hit the most consistently and aggressively, because they’re easily accessible. I know some people call this on-going judgment of other women a “guilty pleasure,” because it gives you a private little hit of satisfaction. When you sum up another woman in a split second, and find something wrong with her, you get to enjoy a momentary jolt of superiority.

The problem is that every time you look at another woman and find something wrong with her based on her body, looks, or anything else, you reinforce for yourself the idea that there is a universal “right” and “wrong” way for a woman to have a body, look, live, act, dress, or otherwise. You solidify imaginary rules in your mind for what is “acceptable” and and what is “unacceptable.” You may momentarily feel superior, but when repeated over and over again in countless scenarios for a lifetime, you will also eventually feel very alone, isolated, and anxious. Being hyper-aware of the countless (self-imposed) ways in which you could fail at being a woman encourages you to take fewer risks, keep your true self better hidden, trust fewer people, and constantly guard yourself against the endless imminent threats of how you could be “doing it wrong.”

Not only does your habit of judging other women shrink your life down into an ongoing list of do’s and don’ts, but keeping company with that nasty little voice in your head 24/7 makes you, understandably, kind of paranoid and defensive.

It’s like how you always end up feeling really crappy about yourself after you spend time with that one friend who gossips about all your other friends. She might claim you’re exempt from her mean gossip, but you can’t help but wonder what she says about you when you’re not there. This endless, cluttered, negative ocean of fear and judgment clouds your mind and poisons your heart. It make you feel insecure, stressed, unhappy, anxious, paranoid, obsessive, and completely unable to let go and be present. With that as your baseline, it becomes near impossible to look at yourself, or your body, and say “Yup, this is perfect.”

The remedy?

Walk (no, RUN!) away from the negative influences in your life. It's easy to say that we may be able to "help them be more positive" if we keep hold of our own positive outlook and views on things. And it probably is possible, in small doses. The reality though is that most chronically negative people pretty much enjoy right where they are. Walk away from these and surround yourself with folks who "get" you. It doesn't mean they agree with your every thought. They may not get behind all of your big ideas, and they may even find it necessary to tell you why at times. The difference is they do it all in love. There is no question that they have YOU and YOUR best interests at heart with every word, every action.

Those people are harder to find than the negative ones, but they're out there. Find them, surround yourself with them, and love them right back. 

Two positives ALWAYS create a positive!