Saturday, May 18, 2019

Teaching Deconstructed.

I am down to one week left with students. One week from today I will give last hugs as kiddos rush for the hallway, anxious to get their summer on. The year will end in much the same way it has ended for me for the past many years.

Except I won't be returning in August.

This fact is both exciting and terrifying to me. I, too, am ready to begin summer but maybe even more anxious for fall and for this new opportunity to focus entirely on our growing B&B and on our growing family. I'm looking forward to more road trips to see our kids and grands, to having a bit more energy to devote to the upkeep and tending that a bed and breakfast needs to be truly successful, and to being present for my parents in a way that I haven't really been able to for the last several years.

This is an exciting time!

Yet any new venture (or risk) can be terrifying as well and I wouldn't be honest if I didn't confess I've spent many a sleepless nights since making the decision to "come home." It's not that I don't trust the decision. In fact, everything has aligned so perfectly that it leaves no doubt that God is truly directing our footsteps. Spiritually and mentally, I am so ready. Emotionally - not so much.

Teaching is something that is so hard to define. It is more who you are and much less of what you actually do. When you have a heart for teaching, it's about the relationships first and all that comes with the job second. And these relationships...

Y'all.

These relationships are so strong and they tug at your heartstrings and - each year - you are left changed. See, it's not just the students who do the learning; teachers learn just as much, maybe more. We learn that compassion, encouragement, and a little grace does more for a student's overall success than academics itself. We learn that behind every face that looks to us is a story that needs to be told and - sometimes - we are THE safe place for that story to be heard. We learn that we don't, in fact, know everything and on certain days we feel we don't know anything.

Teaching is not about the exhilarating moments; it's about those exhilarating moments that happen once in a blue moon that tide you over until the next one, when and if it should come. It's about a student sending you a Facebook message of appreciation after he receives his Masters and you both recall that first six weeks that he sat in your class during his sophomore year...and the battles you had. It's about a student that is one of the very first to text you on Mother's Day, even though she is graduated and a mother herself now, to tell YOU Happy Mother's Day. It's about the daily conversations where you listen, laugh, worry, sometimes shake your head in confusion, but more often nod in understanding, and always end your Friday classes with, "Have a great weekend. BE SAFE."

It's about that "beginning of the year tired" and "end of the year tired" that just can't be explained, only to magically be replaced by renewed inspiration and excitement for a brand new year after roughly 8 weeks of rest and recuperation with your "normals."

It's about keeping peanut butter crackers and popcorn in your desk drawer for hungry students. Occasionally overlooking a sleeping student because you know they are working a full-time job that includes late nights, WHILE maintaining a near perfect GPA and - can I just say - showing up! Loving on the surly and the ones with stinky attitudes because it's not YOU they are angry with; they're just angry. For a variety of reasons. It's about knowing their names, but also saying them out loud and often. Discovering their hobbies and initiating conversations about them. Finding out what they do in their spare time and making sure to go through their drive-thru window at work occasionally, asking about a mom recuperating from surgery, quietly giving a hug to a student who is (even more quietly) observing the anniversary of the death of a sibling, and slipping a few bucks to yet another student so they can attend a school event and not be the only one in class not able to go.

It's about realizing that grades are NOT the great equalizer and they should not be what makes or breaks a student's record - or their heart. It's about the loud classrooms where interactive learning is taking place, according to the state TEKS, sure, but even more so according to what students need the most of that particular day. Even if that means scrapping your well thought out lesson plans and taking off on another trajectory. It's about saying, "I don't know" when you don't know something, but following it up with, "but I'll find out and get back to you." It's about seeking out a student whose feelings you accidentally hurt and saying, "I'm so sorry. I was wrong."

Teaching is indescribable.

This post could go on and on because my heart is full to overflowing today. With excitement. With terror. With aaaalllllll the emotions that fall on the spectrum between these two. So I'll stop here and save some for later.

I just attended the Top 10 Breakfast (it will get a post all its own) and survived with a minimal amount of tears. But then I walked back into my classroom and dissolved into a puddle.

I'm a teacher.

Puddles happen.

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